haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
You Might Also Like
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
THIS HEADLINE
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.