*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
You Might Also Like
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy