Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
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Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.