They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
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Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Can’t, holding a grudge
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?