You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.