Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista