My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.