Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
White parent Vs Arab parents
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.