[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Cardio Made Easy
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender