Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
You Might Also Like
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
But is it really??
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.