*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that