Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
HERE’S MARKY
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms