We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”