Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The fall of Netflix
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.