Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 馃槣
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren鈥檛 supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn鈥檛 eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where鈥檚 Adam?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don鈥檛 know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touch茅.
Her: but why aren鈥檛 the candles ON the cake?
Me: it鈥檚 not a birthday cake, Denise. it鈥檚 a summoning tart.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you鈥檙e not fooling anyone, we all know you鈥檝e doing Community Service.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i鈥檓 calling the police
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
i鈥檓 laughing very hard in real life
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I鈥檝e always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I鈥檓 still here posting my wordle