The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
the short answer to this question
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.