Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
who did the taste test?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything