4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
This a good idea
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about