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Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.