Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.