I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.