When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?