doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
step 6: release the wall snake
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.