Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.