Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
A fake ID that makes you younger
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?