Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
That earthquake could have been an email.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
love it when they get my name right
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i