[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
LA today:
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Lmbo
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.