I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
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If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
listen closely
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨