me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You Might Also Like
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
2023 was just a warmup
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.