I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Sheep
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up