The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
OMG 🤣🤣
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.