[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
You Might Also Like
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me