A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
You Might Also Like
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
my one true gender
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.