*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
man: wait
time: no
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s