*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I’m giving up ice.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks