[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
He’s dead
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.