Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
crying
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
People buying plungers never look happy.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that