The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth