A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back