me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.