[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
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(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
when someone rings the doorbell
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions