Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
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I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning