me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.