[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Breaking news:
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Meow
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?