[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
never ask a starfish for directions
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.