Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums