If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]