I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
you have three unread messages
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.