Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
catch me on valentine’s day like
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
you will never know the true number of layers
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe