*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign